I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
