I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Let's get the cat blown out
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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