My liver just broke up with me...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
