My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
