So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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