Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
