Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
