what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I faked an abortion last night.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
