I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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