Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
50% drunk capacity currently
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
