she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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