A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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