remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
