You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
