Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
