I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
