dude i'm inner monologue high
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
