So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
