Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
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