just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
