I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
