I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How naked do you want me to be?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize