i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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