i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Still dying that you shit outside
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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