Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
