drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
