non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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