Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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