The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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