You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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