how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
