If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You ruined the universe
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
