I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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