You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I touched a dick in church today
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize