Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
