we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
