Umm I'm too high to move.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
