remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
