Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
