Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
