just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
