If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Someone came in the potted fern
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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