and next time when you feel me up, do it right
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
