The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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