I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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