She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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