peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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