it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
