Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
