State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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