I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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