That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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