What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
