it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
