Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I can feel your judgement through the phone
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm bleeding and have questions
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
