i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
